Intoxicating mock draft


I always get a little heady when reading mock drafts. The sparkle with promise, excitement, and absolute lunacy. Nbadraft.net doesn’t have Jodie Meeks getting draft, the random commenters on ESPN have all sorts of wild ideas (Rubio going 2nd? What is that?). I have several explanations for this ridiculousness, but the most reasonable one is that all mock drafts are written with a few under the belt.

So I’m going to try that approach tonight. I will spellcheck this thing 3 ways to Sunday, just to be certain.

1. Los Angelos Clippers – This one is a no brainer. Blake Griffin is the basically unanimous number 1 pick. He is good. Too bad the Clippers get him (amiright).

2. Memphis Grizzlies – Not Rubio, that’s for damn sure. If the city of Memphis is fueled by hatred and spite, then they’d pick Jodie Meeks, just to sock it to Calipari for abandoning them. This is a crappy business model, so I’m guessing it won’t happen. I’m going to go with Harden.

3. Oklahoma City Thunder – The match made in heaven is Thabeet. Look, I’m not sure Thabeet deserves to go 3rd, but can you imagine Thunder fans cheering “we got Thabeet, we got Thabeet…yeah! we got Thabeet!” Couple with the thunderous booms, and you have the cheer of a decade*.

*at most.

4. Sacramento Kings – They’re going to pick Rubio because they are easily swayed and can rarely accrue talent.

5. Washington Wizards – DeMar DeRozan. I think he’s under-ranked.

6. Minnesota Timberwolves – Tyreke Evans. This way, I get to see him play and analyze the effects of being in Calipari’s system. I am being wildly selfish.

7. Golden State Warriors – Stephen Curry was basically the only guy driving Davidson. I liked his game, he’s a solid guy, and I think he fits with the whole concept of “Minnesota.”

8. New York Knicks – They just need to get Joe Crawford there permanently, and fast. Otherwise, they can go with Jrue Holiday. UCLA to NYC not only bridges the coasts, but allows them to land a ballhandler.

9. Toronto Raptors – OK this is tough because it is in Canada. Nothing against Canada, but I can barely believe it’s actually an NBA team. DeJuan Blair. I mean, OK I don’t want to send a good kid to cold, blustery Canada, but they get the pick and he’s a star. Like Betelguese.

10. Milwaukee Bucks –  Jordan Hill from Arizona. Arizona was a pretty good team this year with some nice action. I think he could buck up a little (pun INTENDED!), but he’ll PLAY out OK.

11. New Jersey Nets – Earl Clark from Louisville. It both pains me and causes me great pride to say it: Pitino is a good coach. I think his players will be able to get some success on this level. And I want to be able to cheer “Earl!” whenever I watch the Nets (which is rare).

12. Charlotte Bobcats – BJ Mullens. I don’t like Ohio State, on principle, but we all saw how well Oden worked out for everyone. (PS this is an example of  tongue in cheek).

13. Indiana Pacers – Brandon Jennings. I want him to be a lotto pick to encourage more one and dones to Europe. It will be pandemonium. I cannot wait.

14. Phoenix Suns – Jeff Teague. He was a big blow to Wake Forest, but well, Wake Forest is Wake Forest and in the long run, we have yet to see how big of a trout he’ll become. I’m sure he’ll be a fine Sun (wait, those DESTROY water and therefore TROUT, fuck, my metaphors are getting all mixed…).

—End Lottery Picks—

15. Detroit Pistons – Eric Maynor. Everyone could use another point guard. He played under Anthony Grant. Anthony Grant is a firecracker of a coach. Ergo facto – Maynor is a good call.

16. Chicago Bulls – Johnny Flynn. It’s not like Syracuse really pushed him to excel this year, but he’ll be alright. Hopefully he can cope with Noah’s ugly mug.

17. Philadelphia 76ers – Tywon Lawson. The 76ers are a gold caliber team and this guy just got a National Championship. Sure playing for UNC with Ty couldn’t hurt, but whatever.

18. Minnesota Timberwolves (2nd pick) – Terrence Williams. Yes, he played for “Little Brother” but the Big East conference is good, he did fairly well for himself, and I can see him being a wolf. Besides, this would make 2 Kentucky connections (more on that later ;)).

19. Atlanta Hawks – Tyler Hansborough. Look, he was considered the glue that held the UNC team together, providing valuable leadership. I’m sure he’s just swell. Regardless, he has to go above Henderson, in my estimation (and I’m a good estimator, but it might be a bit off right now).

20. Utah Jazz – Gerald Henderson. He is incredibly overrated. There is no way this man should be a lotto pick. I don’t even know why he bothers with this whole NBA thing, but whatever. Overall, I think the Jazz is the only team to look at this jazzy man.

21. New Orleans Hornets – Austin Dave. I just like saying Gonzaga. The z is like a hornet noise. Guys, this is totally scientific.

22. Dallas Mavericks – Darrin Collison. A Bruin with shooting skills and a heart of gold (allegedly), he’ll rouse the Maverickss and lead them to victory. Or, he’ll be OK.

23. Sacramento Kings (2nd pick) – Taj Gibson, because I am sure they will be swayed by the California connection. Also, like a rat fleeing a sinking ship, I am sure he will be rabid and ready for a challenge.

24. Portland Trailblazers – Chase Budinger. He has to get picked sometime, and that sometime is now.

25. Oklahoma City Thunder (2nd pick) – Marcus Thornton. LSU is an 8 seed, the coach is FIRE, and his name is Thornton, which makes me think, he means business. Besides, have you seen this guy move?!

26. Chicago Bulls (2nd pick) – Derrick Brown. Do I really need to say more?!

27. Memphis Grizzlies (2nd pick) – Jermaine Taylor. I mean, they could always use a shooting guard. They obviously need more points.

28. Minnesota Timberwolves (3rd pick) – Jodie Meeks, for real this time. He’d fit the team, and they’ve already had two other picks. Meeks worked out for them, and overall, his work outs went well. He’s got no gaurantee, but this is worth a shot. And then he’d be near Tubby! Aw wow how sweet.

29. Los Angelos Lakers – Wayne Ellington. The last guy from UNC on my list. I’m in Roy Williams overload, so that’s all I’m going to say about that.

30. Cleveland Cavaliers – DeMarre Carroll. Missouri was way underrated this year. Anderson was able to work some Sh0w-Me magic and then show it to everyone. God I’m so punny.

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8 Responses to “Intoxicating mock draft”

  1. Morning Coffee – June 16 - Raptors Republic Says:

    […] Wildcat Notion 9. Toronto Raptors – OK this is tough because it is in Canada. Nothing against Canada, but I can barely believe it’s actually an NBA team. DeJuan Blair. I mean, OK I don’t want to send a good kid to cold, blustery Canada, but they get the pick and he’s a star. Like Betelguese. […]

  2. Jim Says:

    “OK this is tough because it is in Canada. Nothing against Canada, but I can barely believe it’s actually an NBA team. DeJuan Blair. I mean, OK I don’t want to send a good kid to cold, blustery Canada, but they get the pick and he’s a star. Like Betelguese.” You’re ignorant.

  3. Apps Says:

    Who is the most likely candidate to fall from the lotto to the bottom of the first round? Watching that guy is always the best part of every draft. Sometimes I imagine the military draft was a lot like the NBA’s, with guys wearing hats with feathers in them being called to a podium and holding up their new uniform, flashing a quick smile, and holding up one finger. I think if they actually brought the draft back in this form people would be excited about the military again….or I could still be all messed up on Nyquil, you decide. In the future I’d really like to see a blog post entitled “Columbia University: The Once and Future Champs.” It’s clear they’re going to win the Ivy this year, and with that kind of momentum who knows? A famous Columbia alum once said, “Yes we can!” and I’m pretty sure he was talking about cutting down the nets in 2010. You heard it here first.

  4. Canada Says:

    dont talk shit about canada….bitch

    Americans talking shit about other countries, and then you wonder why the whole world has a a dislike for the USA?

    I used to live in america, NYC…Toronto is a great place you would know if you got out more…you fucking troll

  5. flats Says:

    toronto is north america’s 5th largest city, most cosmopolitan and offers culture , entertainment and lifestyle and climate that easily trumps such great us nba cities like milwakee, detroit, ( no offense)… my point being, the cold canada comments just indicates that u may well fair poorly on ” are u smarter than a 5th grader…..

  6. TM Williamson Says:

    “Nothing against Canada, but I can barely believe it’s actually an NBA team”

    It’s not actually. It’s a country. The Toronto Raptors are the NBA team.

    And jokes about Canada being cold? What will this comedic genius think of next? Make sure you keep it fresh and original…something along the lines of mocking the way we say “eh” would be quite groundbreaking.

  7. Marian Says:

    “9. Toronto Raptors – OK this is tough because it is in Canada. Nothing against Canada, but I can barely believe it’s actually an NBA team. DeJuan Blair. I mean, OK I don’t want to send a good kid to cold, blustery Canada, but they get the pick and he’s a star. Like Betelguese.”

    Wooow you are I-G-N-O-R-A-N-T
    Get off Canada’s jock bitch
    Its cold in Toronto in the winter and warm in the summer/spring/fall you dipshit. Basketball was invented in Canada you dumbass

  8. ailanthusaltissima Says:

    Hi Marian, I appreciate your strong loyalty to Canada. You are only half correct on the basketball point, though. Basketball was invented by a Canadian, Dr. Naismith, but the game was born in Springfield, Mass and the first modern game was played in Kansas.
    Thanks!

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